Life, Medicated

I've taken Adderall three different days now, skipping two days between days two and three because of scarcity anxiety. 

I'm Autistic and ADHD, formally diagnosed, which is still a stunning fact for me to consider after decades with neither supports or medication. 

Taking Adderall with the Bacopa I was previously taking for ADHD brain support produced a ton of brain fog, though it didn't even come close to undoing the effects of the Adderall. Things became extremely boring, and it was very clear to me when I simply didn't want to be in a place or doing a thing anymore- something I usually struggle to identify. 

Taking Adderall without caffeine or Bacopa (I frequently take Genius brand extended release caffeine, highly recommend) feels like I'm mostly watching life happen. I can act on impulses without task paralysis/executive dysfunction getting in the way, which is nearly impossible otherwise. 

Beyond the medication aspect, the diagnosis alone feels like it gave me permission, so to speak, to "act Autistic" without completely overthinking it and/or feeling guilt for not suppressing behaviors that may/may not make others uncomfortable, confused, etc. It's also confirmed for me that I was never a selfish person, malicious, etc, which is something the diagnosing doctor was extremely clear about seeing in the testing process. 

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