Life and Love and Joy and Family

I went to Cousin's birthday cookout the other day, which is the second time I've seen her now, as well as her oldest daughter and Cousin's partner. 

This time, I also met the youngest of her 3 daughters, as well as both of her partner's daughters. 

Cousin's brother showed up, which was just incredible, honestly. Boy Cousin has always just been this incredible rock of calmness, and I'm kind of astounded to see that so clearly again. Before seeing him again after all this time, I told my partner that I finally realized who Boy Cousin reminded me of, and it's my partner's former roommate, who I clicked with literally within seconds of meeting. They're far from being the same person, but they're both safe people for me in a way that's beyond words. Soul Family is probably how I would best describe that, though I'm sure that's less than helpful to most. 

Boy Cousin is just good for my soul. He and his sister have both been amazing about sensing (even when not physically present or actively conversing) when I could use some reassurance that they're not going anywhere. I can only guess what they know/saw of the earliest years of hell, but they know in a way I haven't experienced with someone who also simultaneously cared. 

Cousin's phone rang, and her parents were face timing her to wish her a happy birthday. She told them to see who she had at her house and tipped the phone my way. 

Before I describe anything about the brief conversation, you need to understand that I recall both of their parents beyond anything else as having the energy of an excellent warm hug. They're just wonderful people. 

So Auntie was in her chair and Uncle was over her shoulder and they were happy, but not surprised, to see me. They made no remarks on my appearance at all, which was appreciated more after I had time to process it. They're happy I'm back around the family, which means more than words can say. I felt safe in a way I think I've been looking for since all of those years ago. 

I've done a fair amount of crying since all of this, and there was just so much more- a video Auntie sent them touring her garden, discussions of a group river float and/or camping trip, birthday plans, really amazing kid accomplishments, so so much. All of the tears have been of joy and gratitude. I can finally look back at younger me and say it really has been worth the fight, even if I never deserved to have to fight like that. 

With Cousins, I feel a joy and love and confidence and security that I may not have felt at all in the years since, honestly. And I think about all of the things I could accomplish if I had always felt this way. And I know that what I feel for people who haven't seen me in decades is also something my closest relatives never were capable nor willing to feel for me. That's more than a little sad. And it's sad for them, because will they ever experience that? I tried for decades to do whatever it would take to get them to love me, and I failed every time, and then I tried again as an adult, and I failed again. 

It doesn't take thousands upon thousands of dollars to convince these people to love me. They haven't asked for anything from me but my presence, and are kind and gracious and happy that I'm there and enjoy talking to me. I have family for the first time in decades. 

2024 isn't even halfway through and it's really already been my year, truly.