Of Life and Birthdays (but also trauma)

Growing up in a household with a narcissistic, abusive dynamic, any possible source of joy I could have, especially one that didn't center of my narcissistic bio-mother, was turned against me. 

Birthdays were often my yearly reminder of this. I only had one birthday party in my childhood, and it was done almost entirely behind Mommy Dearest's back. My rebel angel of a stepdaddy contacted my school to have the whole class go to a field trip that was also my birthday party. I suspect he may have contributed financially to pull that off. 

It's still one of the best memories I have of my childhood. 

My sixteenth birthday was manipulated. MD had told bio father that "we had plans" for my 16th birthday, so he went ahead and worked that day. Stepdaddy was several years deceased at that time. Nobody acknowledged my birthday that day. I was home, and kept hoping maybe there was a surprise coming- especially since it was the day I was supposed to inheret my great grandmother's ring. After making myself a quesadillas in the microwave, or maybe it was something else easy, I remember MD asking me something that felt baiting but I don't recall the exact words. I responded by reminding her it was my 16th birthday, to which she said "oh yeah, happy birthday" without even looking up from the television. 

Bio father called later that evening to wish me a happy birthday and ask what we had done. I told him nothing, we'd been home all day. He sounded confused and mildly agitated, and mentioned that MD had said we had plans. If he ever mentioned it or wanted to do anything to make that birthday better, even days later, I have no memory of it. 

So here I am, more than twice that age, and I'm not doing great. We had a game night for some of my partner's family members yesterday, one of which who also has a January birthday. I spent multiple days cooking for this event, to include chocolate cake and cupcakes for the birthday boy. I thought my partner would grab one of the candles out of the drawer and sing happy birthday to him/us while everyone was here. None of that happened, and I'm left feeling as betrayed as ever about my birthday. He's bought me a gift, which i appreciate, but it's the only thing he seems to do without me running the entire show. 

So, I've made dinner reservations with a few friends, pre-purchased balloons and flowers for myself, plus a few designer gifts I've had my eye on, to make it feel luxurious. At least the restaurant won't make me pick, buy or bake my own birthday cake.