Liminal Life

Ten years feels as long as twenty, and I imagine thirty or forty years will, too.

Ten years is simultaneously a lifetime and a single moment. Somehow the last three years feels longer than the last ten, though, so what do I know? 

I wonder if feeling constantly liminal, never really occupying any one identity fully, always being too much of one thing and still not enough of another, is a personality trait, a circumstance, or just another expression of my Autistic brain. 

Being formally diagnosed later in life makes even being Autistic feel liminal- like somehow I would be "more Autistic" if I had been diagnosed as a young child. Paradoxically, I may have had access to some sort of resources,  if that was the case, and early intervention may have minimized some of the Autistic behaviors that were amplified by being without supports for so long. 

I recently learned that there was an Autistic retreat at least once, that appears to no longer exist, and imagining experiencing that is probably as close as I'll ever get to feeling like I'm fully in/of a community, however temporary.